Girl to Girl Wisdom about Fulfilling your Submissive Desires, By Kacie Cunningham
This is an excellent book, hence 3 out of 3 on my star system. As a sub who is new to the D/s scene, it put in words many of the things I am feeling, and did so in a highly articulate, well-written, and concise fashion. There is nothing superfluous in this book, and it is fairly complete in covering the emotional landscape of D/s relationships.
This book is written by a female submissive to a male Dominant living in a lifestyle context. Here use of pronouns and narrative are meant to describe the world from this perspective. She pleads a lack of knowledge as to whether the lessons and messages would apply in the same way to a male submissive. She does not address how or whether anything might differ in same sex D/s relationships. The author’s pronoun choices are preserved here for consistency.
As a reader, I appreciated her caution in this regard, but I also found the book to be universal in its application—I did not find anything that she described in the realm of the submissive to not fit me—and no, it isn’t because I am gender dysphoric, but because the importance and feelings associated with submission have greater relevance to this discussion than does gender identity.
She helps define and clarify many of the words we use in the dynamic, including Service v. Obedience, Submission v. Abuse, Submission v. Masochism and other more granular topics like lifestyle submissives v. bedroom submissives.
Great Points Delivered
These are some of the key messages she delivers in the book:
- Surrender can result in profound personal growth
- The highest goal for a Master is for his slave to exalt in her submission
- “Conquer Me” feelings are a universal feeling amongst submissives and are a cry for a show of strength from the Master. She puts the popular trope “subbing from the bottom” into context as part of this “conquer me” feeling she describes that all of submissives feel from time to time
- You don’t lose yourself in service, but find yourself
- “What will you do?” He asks. “Anything to please you,” she replies. “Why?” He asks. “Because that is what I am made for,” she answers, and thus knows and feels her submission
- “Submission is a gift” is only true if dominance is an equal gift. Rather, submission is a need. And submission may be a gift insofar as it is a talent…as in having a talent for submission
- The goal of submission is not perfection. The goal of submission is submission
- Masochists love pain; submissives love to please and to be found pleasing
- Surrender v. submission. Submission is a feeling, an action. Surrender is a state…there is more commitment, a feeling of semi-permanence
- A smart, healthy, well-rounded submissive understands her first responsibility is to herself. A submissive is not a doormat.
- Punishment provides security. It shows that Masters rules are in fact rules. There is structure, there are boundaries
- The single most important trait in a Master is consistency
- Discipline teaches correct behaviour…and is not the same as punishment, which is intended to stop negative behaviour.
- For a true submissive the goal is to provide the highest level of service, and be as good as she can be, because the highest pleasure for her is to be a “good girl”
- Consent v. abuse is defined by the intent. Was this action taken out of an intent to help the submissive grow?
- It’s called a breakup because its broken…and most breakups stem from a lack of communication or lack of respect for boundaries.
- Being a submissive means accepting and using your personal responsibility to empower yourself. You can’t give what you don’t have. You must be empowered to give up power.
- Advice for the sub without a Dom or post breakup…“Just because you own yourself completely right now doesn’t mean you can’t prepare yourself for the future.”
While she describes many different types of D/s relationship types, and all of you are likely to find yourselves in them, a few really resonated with me. They are also eloquent rebuttals for so much of the noise outside of the community about what D/s is really about.
- In the world of D/s I find the concept of alpha and beta males silly. Perhaps in an M2M gay relationship, this is a possible and desired dynamic, but the idea that subs are “betas” is wrong. Some may be. But as Kacie points out, submission does not mean being a doormat. If you follow her guidance, submission is a path to strength and empowerment. This is exactly how I feel about it.
- D/s is not about fetish fulfilment. There may be fetish play as part of a scene, but the goal of D/s play is exactly that, for the Dominant to fulfil his need to dominate, and the submissive to fulfil her need to submit. There is equality in this, and in truth, both parties share responsibility to deliver it. I will take to heart Kacie’s suggestion of asking the Domme about her needs for aftercare after a scene…after all, I did remember thinking how tired she must be from whipping me, and I never asked how she felt, or if I could do something for her after.
If you are a submissive, and especially if you are new to D/s, I heartily encourage you to read this book. If you are a Domme…who knows…it is not for me to impose. You decide Mistress.