My favourite therapist has asked for our relationship to evolve beyond therapy.
“But I could develop feelings for you, submissive feelings, and that is not consistent with client/therapist,” I said.
“I’ve never been your therapist. I hold space for you. I teach you to love yourself unconditionally. I am a healer.”
And in truth, she has. She has done more for me than any of my therapists. Through a mix of hypnosis, talk, meditation, and sharing, she has taken me several times to my most vulnerable and delicate place, my baby self, and has helped me to be there for me, to show and feel love in that place, and to heal.
At times, when in session, I have wanted to call her Mommy as she takes me to that place through hypnosis and guided meditation, a feeling which I have largely kept under control, but have discussed with her, I cannot deny that I am attracted to her.
“That is my gift. I channel mommy energy. The divine female is strong within me, and it helps you to find yourself.”
As a professional psychotherapist, she specialises in attachment and attunement, two fundamental aspects of child development, and ones which are particularly “live” for those with ADD. And I have found healing from her and an ability to visualise my baby self, and to deal with the root causes of so many things that lie at the feet of weaknesses. To learn to hold space for myself.
I also find her attractive. I think that I should stop selecting therapists for the wrong reasons! I have found myself feeling attracted to her in ways that are not strictly okay within the therapeutic context. This has progressed apace as of late—at least from my side. I have confessed.
A few sessions ago we began noticing some extreme coincidences in our lives. For one, my main pen name is the male version of her name, and my pen surname is the same as hers. I don’t know if you have ever heard of the Gene Keys, but this is a highly complex combination of astrology, the I Ching, and intelligent design which identifies many aspects of one’s life, including purpose, styles, and many other things. They are fascinating. And hideously complex. With over 60 archetypes, you can imagine the level of variation possible across all the dimensions it looks at. One day I will post on this.
I had had my gene keys read and was curious to know if she had ever heard of them. Not only had she heard of them, but was extremely knowledgeable. She wanted to know what mine were. I didn’t remember what mine were off the top of my head, other than the main one…Grace.
“I can’t really remember, but the main one is Grace.”
“Really?” she remarked, “so is mine.” And then she pulled up her full chart and started telling me about both the positive and shadow sides of the Grace Gene Key. It was interesting, but I noticed that her chart looked very similar to mine (I have a good visual memory), so I went to my computer and pulled mine up.
They were identical.
“Mine looks exactly like yours,” I said.
“It does,” she said. “Wait, when were you born?”
Well, although we were born in different years, she and I were born on the same day, of the same month, at the exact same time, and in the same time zone. Our entire Gene Key Map is identical.
Beyond weird. The chances? An utter impossibility. On a separate note, I have been finding many such weird things happening to me throughout all aspects of my life.
Her ability to teach me just became personal. Our higher purposes follow the same path.
The next time we were in session we were talking about submission, and I was explaining why it mattered to me, what it felt like, and as always, she asked that I speak from the heart. And I began to lay out what is so deeply fulfilling about submission, what it means to me, and how it is a path towards ego death.
“It can’t be about me.” And I spoke of my explorations with a domme, and in particular, how it couldn’t be about me…and how frustrating and difficult it was to be with a domme who was unwilling to make it about her.
“Tell me about what it feels like, and where you feel it in your body.”
“In my heart. I feel it in my heart.”
“I have an existential need to serve. My life journey is to give of myself, to give myself completely. To respond to her needs, no matter what they are. To be there for her, open to her, present for her, in every way. To not live for me, but to respond.”
“It sounds quite difficult.”
“Maybe impossible, but I can’t do or be any other way. That is the essence of love for me. I don’t have this feeling for anyone other than for the person I love. For many years, and even still, to a certain extent, this governed my life with my wife.”
“And it extends to the sexual as well. I feel guilty in seeing a domme and she wants to play with me, and that means doing something to or with me that I want, and I do want it, of course, and it is fun, but it also leaves me empty, because how I really am and feel, is that I should be serving her, giving to her, responding to her, striving to her, pleasing her, pleasuring her, obeying her, listening to her, serving her, cooking for her, caring for her, being devoted to her. And when I say ‘serve her’ I really mean it, like really and truly be in service to her…not in some weird and twisted way just getting excited.”
I opened my eyes and looked at her, and I saw before me a woman who appeared to be aroused. My words had struck a chord, not intentionally, but I was left with this idea that she was touched by what I had said about how I express love through submission. That perplexed me, but also on another level, pleased me. I have always sought a woman who accepted me as I am, but who also would welcome my submission.
But surely this is not okay within a therapeutic context. Nope. We are, however, entering a new chapter. She has asked for us to meet outside of the context of therapy. We may take a trip together. She has asked that we discuss the evolution of our relationship and instead explore how we might fulfil each other and meet each other’s needs. She wishes to coach me. I know how she might, and I am curious to see how an unmoored version of coaching and therapy might play out.
One of my closest friends is not at all happy about this. “This is a total breach of professional ethics,” she said.
“I know, but I’m willing to give it a try.”
“Who is she?”
“I’m not telling.”
“You shouldn’t be doing this.”
“I think she has a lot to teach me.”
I have suddenly very submissive feelings towards her. Intensely so. Any therapists amongst my readership will likely say the alarm bells are ringing. After all, I have been at maximum vulnerability with her. She has taken me to ‘little space’ many times and has encouraged me to suck my thumb in session, to be in touch with my baby self. This is uncharted territory. It also makes for very kinky erotica…and that is most definitely not okay. So, I tell her everything. Somebody has to play by the rules. In this case, that may just be me. Oh Lord, help us.
And yet, I feel very drawn to her, to an exploration. She does not dominate me. She does not titillate me or flirt with me. She does genuinely guide my submissive and most vulnerable self, my baby self, towards finding love from my parent and adult self. I am both eager and fearful to see where this will lead.
Do you ever do things that you know you should not?