Tonight, as I contemplate going home, hurtling through the sky in a plane, I am filled with a mix of emotions. My children are home. I want to see them. But so is my wife. And the nasty things she is sending my way through her lawyer—heaven forbid that we might have an actual adult conversation about the future—the “your lawyer can talk to my lawyer” thing is entertaining at first, but it really offers a kind of anaesthetic to say meaner things than one might. I won’t go there.
I am posting all out of order. It has been a while mainly because I have been so infernally occupied with good and important things lately. That said, this interpersonal thing is weighing on me. I wish I could just ignore it, but sadly I cannot. Dear reader, you will need to experience my life as helter-skelter as it feels.
At home will also be my wife’s brother and GF. I have always been rather fond of him. I don’t know what to expect, but families do always circle the wagons. And since he is footing her legal bills, and his pockets are deeper than mine—after all, he doesn’t have quite so much to support as I do. Pity he doesn’t just give her the money…
I can’t help but think that every $ that my wife spends or forces me to spend on lawyers is ultimately just money that can’t be spent on the good parts of our lives or given to our children. A waste. To think how hard one works to see it wasted on frivolities.
My rudimentary understanding of the law is that I am rather up the creek. Regarded as a man in legal circles, the courts do not look kindly on our ilk. Never mind that I have been a dutiful husband and have laid all of my earnings at my wife’s feet throughout our marriage.
For those who know me through kink, this is not surprising. My family and friends have long admonished me to protect myself better, to not give everything to her. A severe case of do as a I say, not as I do. Too late. Anyway, I would do it again. I can’t be different. I gave to her because I am and always will be in submission to my partner, even if she doesn’t accept it. That’s how I am.
So, now, in her divorce request, she is asking for more than I have, forgetting that she already has everything. If I am judged against, and then unable to pay, I face criminal charges…jail. That will be interesting to see! Can you imagine? I can. That’s the kind of dark place that my mind can take me.
Would she go that far? I suspect she would. She wants to punish me. The calm with which she greets me speaks volumes of how she really feels. I wonder what the children will think of all of this.
I realise that life as a trans person may have as a side effect a severe impact on my income. Which I would note is already not that great—or at least not consistently so. Forced to pay, unable to pay, jailed. Ironically, that is a better outcome than being slave to someone who doesn’t deserve a slave.
Thank goodness I like my lawyer. She understood exactly what I meant when I said I would do anything she told me to. Thank goodness I have such great therapists. They help me to break the cycle on these spirals of unhelpful thought. Thank goodness for someone who gives me hope for the future. Thank goodness for my children, who seem to be closer to me than ever before…and for the healing power of vulnerability.