It is obvious that this is not a good place to be. The best answer is to run away, but the reality is a kaleidoscope of emotions.
“’tis far better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”Alfred Lord tennyson
There is nothing more beautiful in this world than to feel love for someone else. It is better even than being loved. Best of all when they come together. Love is the meaning of life. Love is the thread that binds us to one another, to nature, to all living and physical things, and much besides. Love is what God tastes like.
When we say that God is love, we get close to the reality of the divine in daily life. The stronger you feel it, the more “irrational” it becomes, the easier it is to surrender to it. People approach the divine in different ways. Some, through prayer, organised religion, and community. Others find it in themselves through prayer and meditation, and silence. Some people find it through BDSM, yoga, breathwork, or other spiritual practices. In my life, God has always been very present: in me, around me, in my connection to the world, to nature, to the people in my life.
I’ve never really believed in chance. Indeed, I have found that the more spiritual I become, the more actively God appears to me. God’s presence is one of small things. I do not believe in a rational and judging God–by definition, God must be non-binary. I believe in God as energy. An infinite variety of energy. We all possess inside of us the potential to manifest any type of that energy. What we manifest energetically is the type of energy that God reveals to us in that moment. This is a choice we make, hopefully consciously, but sometimes that choice is obscure or very hard to come by.
Do you know the expression, “Luck happens to the prepared”? This is true. It is the same for God. It is not luck that is happening, but a connection to energy. A very small example. When I see a penny on the ground, I pick it up. I believe it brings good fortune. I do not regard a penny as beneath me, as some friends of mine have suggested. That is an unhealthy attitude to money. I find pennies almost every day that I go out. When I do, I feel that this is a harbinger of a financially successful day to come.
Recently, my luck has changed in this regard. I was with a dear friend in NYC the other day, and she said, “oh look, a penny, and picked it up.” I said, “excellent, that brings good luck.” I looked down at the ground myself, thinking I could use a bit of luck with all the financial uncertainty in my life. And there, at my feet, were 12 pennies.
Lately I have been finding quarters, dimes and nickels—all denominations that I do not usually find. I even found a dollar bill. My favourite find in life was $56 on the ground…the first time I ever saw a $50 bill—that’s how young I was. These gifts come to us, and what matters is what we do with them. Not the coins themselves, but the messages they contain.
Being Prepared for Love
The ability to love requires preparation. Just as luck only happens to the prepared, so too, for love. And how do we prepare? By loving over and over again. Getting hurt is progress. Being open to the pain and accepting it and feeling it, is how we grow. Crying is a cathartic stepping stone. But there are others. Exercise is one. So, too are self-pampering rituals.
On the darker side, there are also plenty of steps we might take to heal and move on…cake-eating is one of them. I am currently surrounded by sugar, eggs, butter, and a variety of flours and I plan to bake myself whole. So too can be binge-eating, binge drinking, allowing for your addictions to take over. I guess they provide welcome solace…we may need to wallow in something deeper than a bath.
But for some reason, this time, I don’t have that feeling. I don’t feel the need for “self-harm” or indulgence. It would just make things worse. Instead, I feel intensely sick to my stomach. I feel like vomiting, but I can’t. I just have such a deep and tight knot in my guts that I just want to go to bed and sleep, and hope that I wake up and find it gone. But that isn’t the way things work.
The Significance of Belly Pain
I am not a guru of these things. I don’t know much about chakras, and energy centres, and I suck at meditating. But I have learned a few things in the past months.
- Ex-Mistress taught me that my guts, my belly, was where my internalised trauma lay after beating me for the first times. I will never forget how as soon as she stopped punching and flogging me and put her hand on my belly, I began to weep. It was that weeping, the desire to cry, which had led me to a dominatrix in the first place.
- My holistic and hypnosis therapist who specialises in re-birthing and re-parenting and helping me work on attachment and attunement issues helped me to see the significance of the colour orange in my life. My first favourite colour, the colour of our kitchen table in my childhood home, it is also the colour of the belly chakra, or sacral chakra.
- A recent “religious” experience had me experience in a direct and powerful way the full force of my femininity…and this came to me in my guts, and I discovered that my feminine self, though she lives in my entire body, has her seat of power in my belly—my sexuality, my creativity.
What is the Sacral Chakra?
The Sacral or 2nd Chakra is located below the navel. It is the seat of creative and sexual energy. Just how apt that is for my life, this blog, my development path in life, is enormous. No such thing as coincidence. When the Sacral Chakra is blocked or out of balance one can feel emotional isolation, repressed sexual energy, repressed creativity—and in my case the feeling of being shut down, like my feminine energy is being strangled. What does it feel like. I guess it feels a bit like what I would imagine menstrual cramps would feel like. And having “experienced” those for the first time as part of my “religious experience”, I begin to know a new kind of pain.
What is the significance of this? My feelings of hesitation to express my gender as non-binary, voiced here, are coming at a time when:
- My wife has said “I can’t do this; I want out.”
- Ex-Mistress said, “I can’t be your Mistress.”
Back-to-back. And perverse as it sounds, it is healthy. It sucks. But my creative output was dying…and the whole reason this journey matters to me, is that it flourish. But the pain is real, and it is through the pain that I will grow.
I find myself wanting to howl in pain, or to cry, and I am finding for once in my recent life that I am not able to cry. And my coming weeks will not allow for me to process anything—I am right in the middle of putting my life away, packing away all of my feminine things, going back into hiding so that I can receive my wife and children—and my wife has forbidden me to come out to our kids…and I am also receiving my extended family…the Godless brother who resents me, the abusive father who lies at the heart of my entire family’s trauma, and plenty of other people besides. The things we do for family!
So, right now, I feel like a wounded animal. Goaded, poked, prodded, in pain, and unable to understand. This is what it feels like to be the bull in the bullfight—to know that I am following my instinct and my instinct leads me to more pain, only because it is the only thing I know…to follow my heart. And I find myself asking, why am I being shown this? What is the lesson I am meant to learn?
Quite possibly, actually knowing doesn’t really matter. As the wise women on the plane next to me stated, “go with the flow” and “let it go”. Ex-Mistress said the same regarding beautiful dreams, “let them go.”
And, so I will, only it might take a while. I look forward to the muse returning to my side.
Post-Note on Chakras and Colours
My other two favourite colours in life have been green, the colour of the heart chakra, very apt, and purple, the colour of the crown chakra, also very apt. It is these two which I will turn to as I find my path.
Post-Note on Mistress
Even though I don’t understand rationally or emotionally what happened, whether we were unsuited to one another or too suited. But I will say that she has shaped the course of my life in profound ways, all of them good. She has opened doors for me, helped me grow, taught me things, and given me joy in the most extraordinary way.
As my marriage crumbles, her active presence in my life could have become a crutch, and that would not have served her purpose nor mine. I am sure that there are other Mistresses out there who have the power and beauty that she wields…but this divine person has taken my submissive virginity and showed me a little of what can be done with it…and for that I will be forever grateful.
I am aware that the dissolution of this experience lands squarely on me—that is the nature of submission…and when it doesn’t come to you, it must stop. When you can no longer just let go, but begin to regard the whip-hand with anything other than worship, it must stop. That is the basis of the contract.
Post-Note on My Marriage
I love my wife. I hate that she is so distraught by my non-binary nature, not least because it is also what drew her to me in the first place. I will fight to keep us together and for her to see that I am not a threat to her identify or self. And with a lot of luck and hard work there may be a future for us.