Why is submission so erotic when the act of submission outside of the sexual is the most erotic thing of all?


Help!  I’m confused.  Although I use the “I” in these musings, that is a convenience only, as the questions asked are not really about me.

Something really puzzles me about my feelings in relation to D/s and I wonder if any of you other submissive readers have encountered this.  Pray tell.

The internet is littered with sexy and sexual and fetish-rich examples of hot and sexy BDSM, D/s, leather and latex, blah-blah.  This stuff all exists probably because not only is there an audience for it, but it is a “paying” audience, and one that gets aroused by consuming such imagery…or perhaps is at least reminded of situations that they have been in or fantasised about, and this in itself is enough to trigger arousal.

This is not a value judgement in any way.  I can look at that material and enjoy it from an intellectual level, but I can’t engage with it from a sexual/erotic place.  I don’t understand that.  Why not?

When I think of my own relation to kink, taking a look at what is available online, I get the sense that I am just as kinky as anyone else—in other words, I have had or fantasised about a great many of the “dirty” things one can encounter online.  And while fantasy is of course not the same as doing, I don’t understand.  Take spanking as an accessible example.  I love the idea of spanking.  I can look at a picture of a spanking or a video of a spanking and find it sexy, but on an intellectual level.  It is very rare that I would look at it and become aroused.

And that brings me to the key question.  Does a typical submissive see him or herself in those pictures, in those situations and then become aroused by it?  Is it the imagery or the situation which triggers the submissive feeling which in turn leads to arousal?  Do you say for instance, “I want to lick boots,” and then go in search of opportunities to do so, because boot-licking is what turns you on?  And then when you find someone who offers boot-licking opportunities, approach that person or consume that content in a way that allows you to get your boot-licking desires satisfied?

And what I really don’t understand is why submission is so sexual.

Once, I said to Mistress that we could just skip the whipping part and go straight to the emotional-erotic aspects.  She pushed back on the idea and explained to me how these elements of “play” are one of the ways that we gain access to the thresholds that we can cross in our psyche as we explore the landscape that BDSM allows us to explore.  Two thoughts…why is it sexual and why do I not sexualise it at the same time?

I know that many people in the BDSM world are very turned on by whipping for example.  And yes, the whole concept of it and imagery of the whip-wielding domina is unquestionably hot.  But that isn’t how I process it.  I don’t get aroused by the idea of being whipped.  I am not even sure that I am aroused while being whipped because of the whipping part (leaving aside that I am almost constantly aroused in the presence of Mistress, no matter what we are up to, but that is a different story).  And yet, one of the reasons that I wanted to see a Dominatrix in the first place was to discover being whipped.  I was and am curious.  I fantasise about being marked, of my body being criss-crossed by red welts left by a bull-whip.  I know it will hurt.  I don’t even know if I can take it.  I don’t even care about that part of it—ie. there is nothing to prove here.  And yet, I want it in the sense of curiosity…want to know.  And I feel that in a way as a part of life, that somehow my life is incomplete without this knowledge.  But what I wonder about is, why doesn’t the idea of being whipped turn me on?  And why do I want it just the same?  And really badly.

The same concept applies to breath play and strangulation.  I am super curious.  The same applies to bondage.  Indeed, when I first did the BDSM test, my highest BDSM score/need was to be tied up.  But I think also, yes, while it is intellectually interesting, I know that my mind would be bouncing all over the place to anything other than what was happening while I was being tied…and yes, I do want to be tied, but it doesn’t seem to matter to my mind or my arousal.  And anyway, I am finding that whenever we do something novel, I can’t help but think about what is going on, and not just empty my mind and feel it [and quite rightly, this is something that Mistress has me working on, and which I struggle with, but am determined to improve on].

Mistress refers to these kinds of things as box-ticking.  And indeed, she is beyond right.  But I wonder, why don’t I have any independent excitement about doing these things?  Why don’t I get excited by the idea of being whipped, spanked, flogged, or by chastity, or by dirty talk, or anything else?  Even though I love the idea of any of them?  Is anyone else like this?  And I am really puzzled by it, because in my fantasy life, the one which has produced over 500 erotic stories which are sold all over the internet under various pen-names, this kind of sexy stuff runs wild.  What gives?  Is my erotic self a hypocrite?

And I am doubly curious because in a way, before I ever met a real-life Dominatrix, I kind of imagined that this sort of kinky stuff was what people did with Dominatrixes.  I guess it probably is for many, but it hasn’t been for me—and that was by design.  All I wanted was to find someone who would allow me to submit to her, and who would help me develop those feelings—and well, here we are, and I am finding that the obvious trappings of D/s—the accessories, the ritual, the beatings, the sexual are all falling away as triggers [am I saying that I don’t need any of that, even though it is all welcome?  Am I saying that the only ingredient is Her?]

Confused?  Well, I am.  Because I have never been as horny or aroused in my life as I have been since I met Mistress.  Being with her puts me on a kind of full-body excitement which can only be described as full-on arousal: physical, emotional, spiritual.  I am electrified by her presence, and very often when she is not there, all I need to do is imagine myself in her presence, and I feel it.  And boy, is that addictive, and boy, is it hot.  But curiously, this has nothing to do with whips and chains and sexy clothing.  Instead, it has everything to do with emotional, spiritual, and intellectual chemistry.

And so, on the one hand, the elements of BDSM play mean not one jot…but on the other, they are “loaded” triggers for submission.  There is no expectation or planned desire in me that we do such and such.  I don’t go to Mistress and say, “I want you to do X,” mainly because I don’t think that way.  But even though I said to her, “we don’t have to do the whipping part,” a part of me just said that because I don’t know what I want or need, or rather, it doesn’t matter what we do.  A big part of me wants her to lay waste to me…to do whatever she wants…and somehow, this very idea that not only can she, but that she might, is the only necessary ingredient, that she has freedom to act in any way she chooses (limited only by our safe word system) is what makes it possible.  Does that make sense?  Do any other submissives feel that way?  A woman who exercises her agency through the pleasure of domination, and who genuinely enjoys the fruits of her efforts is the sexiest most seductive thing I can imagine.

And what about the sexual content?  In my mind, there is very little difference between the trappings and rituals of BDSM written about above, and the idea that what we are talking about generally is sex and sexuality and the erotic.  And this is where I get really confused.

Why?  Because I feel most submissive, and also most aroused, when it is the everyday elements of our interaction that take a power exchange turn.  And I really don’t understand that at all.  How does giving up power take erotic hold?

Let me put it another way.  Being owned.  Belonging to someone.  Feeling held by the boundaries, rules, but also systems of respect and protocol, but also the love that has grown inside of me is electrifying.  Showing respect and being worshipful the very conditions that create, delineate, and reinforce these feelings.  Power exchange.  Trust.  Acceptance. We can do these things with the tools of BDSM in the bedroom or more generally, but we can also do these things in our daily lives, in ways that have nothing to do with sex or sexuality.  Indeed, the closer I am drawn to Mistress, the more these other aspects come into play, and they are way more powerful.  Because what is happening is that every aspect of my existence is being reconsidered in light of this power exchange.  Being in service, submitting, is less and less an act and simply a way of being.  And here is the rub.  That way of being is intensely erotic and sexual, even though it has nothing to do with sex.  Why is that?  Can someone help me understand?  This sounds like a question for my posse of therapists, but I think it is going to be played out in my life, and as it happens, maybe I will figure it out.

But why and how is a way of being, of feeling connected to someone, of having a desire to serve and living and acting in service, of experiencing power exchange, even when there is no explicitly sexual content so gosh darned arousing?  The most arousing thing that has ever happened?  Is it that the erotic is a secret language that our psyche uses to experience the world?  Is my animal nature finding its voice?  What is it about the “Yes” in “Yes Mistress” that twists my guts in ecstasy?  That I yearn to obey and spring into action when she asks something of me?  And why do I love it so much?  And why is it with her only, and not with life and other people in life?  What is it about being owned that is so deeply and blissfully stimulating?  And why does it not matter one bit what it is I am saying “Yes Mistress” to?  The only question is one of degree—that the more valuable to her, the more valuable to me…because a slave just wants to be useful and valued in her usefulness.

I step into slavery gingerly.  Slowly and with care.  More than how good it feels I need to know not just in my head but in my body, that I am able to care for Mistress and feed and nourish Mistress just as she does me…to know that surrendering to her is good and fulfilling for her…that she is electrified by my submission just as I am electrified by submitting to her. And this cannot happen quickly.

She patiently instructs me in the art of pleasing her, and I revel in having found someone who is taking ownership of me and allowing me to please her.  I pinch myself to think that it is possible to please someone in this way—and I so look forward to what lies ahead.  Such power!  But what a quirk of nature: that the power that is wielded by the submissive should exist and grow simply because they have come into being through a process of submission to Master/Mistress.  I can well understand why we must proceed with caution.  This is open-heart surgery.  This is life!

6 thoughts

  1. There is a lot to this post, my beautiful friend. All I can share are my own thoughts and feelings on the matter. Here is a small example. Do I fantasize about being whipped? Nope, not even a little…in fact, the thought of it scares me a bit. It would hurt so badly. I do not want to be whipped. When I see pictures of submissives being whipped, I am grateful to not be them in that moment. But… if I were in a room with Sir, and he wanted to whip me… I absolutely know that not only would I gladly obey him and take the whipping, but that I would become very aroused at submitting to him in this way. I think there are two reasons why I become so aroused to be subject to things that don’t otherwise hold appeal to me. 1) The surprise element- I never know what Sir is going to do and I LOVE that. As I get older, less and less surprises me. He surprises me all the time and I love that feeling. 2) The loss of control- I am a grown woman, a successful person, and I am in control of things and other people a lot. When I am with Sir, I am not in control. He is. I relish this feeling. Submitting to his control turns me on, and who doesn’t like being in a constant state of arousal? Not sure if this helps or not, but this is how I felt after reading your post. Very thought provoking! XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so with you on this. A professional dominatrix will have been exposed to the full range of human kink, and one thing for sure will be that one person’s kink does not equal another’s. Many submissives feel that they have something to prove to their Master, and want to show that they “can take it”. But submission is not a contest. It isn’t a quest to show off. At least not for me, not for you, not for Shae and the few others I am getting to read about here. Submission is a need that is rooted in the desire to please, to be useful, to give…a whipping only makes sense in the context of a Master who is excited by that…and in truth, even then, in the spirit of co-creation, there has to be a reason for it…though I must admit, my favourite reason was given to me by a “friend” who is a lifestyle Dominatrix. “I whip him because I am a sadist; it turns me on.”

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes, I completely agree, beautiful. My submission is deeply rooted within me…it is not influenced by what others are doing or not doing. I wish to serve my Daddy and my Sir, in the ways that work for them and are meaningful to them. THAT is what is fulfilling to me. I am grateful that Sir has no desire to whip me, but when we do meet in person… I know with certainty that he will spank me hard, to tears, to satisfy that need inside himself. And I will gratefully submit to him in this way, I will submit to that pain…because submitting, especially when I don’t want to, is what fulfills me.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes. I can’t remember who it was who posted this the other day, but she nailed it. We need to serve, to feel useful, because it is not only how we experience love but also how we give it. That is why so many submissive are so organised, on top of it, successful people.

        Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s