In recent days I have had the chance to connect and re-connect with friends who know me in ways that nobody else does. Only a couple of people are aware of my journey with Mistress, a few more know of my non-binary self. It is a rare treat to be able to spend time with such close friends and to be able to express myself freely and without judgement. It feels great.
And they are naturally curious about my feelings and where submission comes from, and how I feel it, and in understanding the sexuality of a non-binary person.
One of the two is female, the other is male. Both are good friends, one a forever friend, the other, relatively more recent (a decade).
Here is where my female friend wanted to explore. Relationship dynamics. She also has submissive feelings, and she was curious to know about mine, and how they manifest themselves. She was curious about love and how love can exist within D/s, and how it can exist without sex. She is a self-admitted lover of sex. And I was saying to her, that I love it too, but that penetrative sex is something that I don’t seek out. There is something about being reminded of my genitals that is disconcerting, and so I prefer to see my entire body as sexual. I live the erotic experience as a whole-body experience, and I can imagine no sexual encounter more fulfilling than one of gentle touch, two bodies entwined and writhing together in passion like serpents, and feeling one another.
She reminded me of the one time we had slept together and how all we did was touch each other. She was amused because all her “boys” at the time were the same—none of us wanted to have “sex”. “Maybe I just collected all the non-binary men,” she mused with a laugh. [My post Penis-Centred Sex Sucks is here]
I do know that orgasm is therapeutic. And I do love to climax. But it can also just happen. Arousal, gentle friction, accidental stimulation, in a way, unintentional progress. My therapist has put words to something which have explained so much to me. Innocence. Its essence. This is my sensual being. My spirit being. Sex is adult. Sex can be muscular and physical and strong. I know that there are many people who seek that. And I enjoy to receive that. The friend I referred to “manhandled” me the one time we were together, and it was bliss. Indeed, I love a woman to be strong with me. But I love to respond gently, softly. And yes, it is the expression of innocence which lies at the heart of my sexuality.
I’ve mentioned my appreciation of little space. This is where I go when I am in little space—to a place of innocence. Diapers for me are a trigger of innocence. Feeling pure, virginal, delicate, soft…these are my happy places. [I have written more about this here].
The book The 5 Personality Patterns, [reviewed here], explores the ways in which we all experience the world, and how we manage and cope with stress. It is an excellent book and everyone will find themselves in there. My dominant type is what is known as “leaving” which roughly corresponds to the first developmental stage, running from life in the womb to up to 6 months after birth. Without discussing the book, or even these concepts, my therapist identified me as a spirit whose “trauma” was felt at birth. Her identification validated what I found in the book, and it explains so much.
Many years ago, I visited two women for diapering. Separate times, separate styles. Both of them complained to me that I didn’t “do” anything. I just wanted to lie there and feel. They were used to clients who wanted to play baby games or do whatever, but I just wanted to get lost in the sensations and smells of the situation. I never went back to either, and I always wondered if there was something the matter with me for not wishing to experience my fetish in the way that they were used to (I know now that such a thought is absurd, but that was then). What makes me think of this, is that I have seen many people in the ABDL community ask one another about what age they identify with, what age they regress to. And I always wondered for me, was it 2? It was a moment in time when I was learning, absorbing the teachings of a mother (or a nanny) without question, trusting, feeling warm and protected…but now that I am seeing and learning all these new things, perhaps it comes from a time before that, in those first months of life. It would make sense.
I didn’t really mean to go off on a tangent with diapers…Returning to innocence and a “sexual” relationship. What does someone like me look for and need? Intimacy. I could imagine two people next to each other, feeling the warmth of one another’s bodies, talking, whispering to one another, perhaps toying with one another’s clothes, the tassels on the hem of a blouse, gently touching and exploring…that is for me what it feels to be physically inside of love, to express love physically, to experience it.
Submission takes me to the same place, but in a spiritual way.
My friend was struggling to understand that, how this could be “enough” and yet for me, what is for her “enough” is not my “enough”. And I guess the emotional release and power of climax is what reassures or what most feel is what they need. Whereas what I feel, and what I just described as crawling inside of love, is a feeling which lingers. It can last for days. It can be renewed, topped up, with small moments of touch, with words, even a text message. It is the feeling of being held, of being cradled, of being protected, cared for, cherished. Am I saying that how I experience love is as an infant feels with its mother? Yes, I am. It is also how I am most comfortable physically giving sexual love back—through touch.
And this is weird for me, because I have never allowed anyone to touch me. I could spontaneously shiver. Even with my SO, sometimes I just have to scream and crawl out of my body when she is holding me. [The “Leaving” personality pattern is characterised by difficulty in inhabiting the body, in being fully corporeal, and also goes hand in hand with people who tend to be more in touch with the spiritual, non-physical aspects of the world around us]. I have written about how Mistress is the first person I have ever known in my life who can touch me at will, and not only do I not react negatively, but I love to be touched by her. And my friend, when I told her this, about how hard it has been for me to accept touch, and how Mistress’s touch feels so magically calming, she began to touch me too, petting me, playing with my hair. It was uncanny, and she apologized as I closed my eyes, but I had to say how nice it felt.
But most of all, what I felt as we talked, was that she was curious about me because she was protective of me. That her questions and curiosity were not judging but were instead like a powerful cocoon.
Later, she called me on the phone and we talked about a bunch of things, especially that she didn’t want me to freak out because I had been open to her and then afterwards regretted things, which I did not, and she told me that she was feeling protective. And I said, “I know, I felt it, and it means so much to me. Thank you.” Yup, you guessed it, tears.
And this was a common thread, this feeling of being protected. Another friend, this one male, and one whom I have known for over a decade, also gave off similar energy. It was only recently that we discovered that we shared a common interest in the world of D/s. I was hesitant to speak to him because I was worried about what would happen if he was to the left of the slash, but in the end, decided it didn’t matter. And indeed, he is a Dom. And we spoke at length about his experiences in the community, and my limited ones, and he asked gently about my dynamic with Mistress.
I am too private to have discussed any details with him but did try to explain to him the joy and fulfilment I find in submission. In our conversation, he revealed himself to be a Dom who cares very much about the spiritual well-being and health of his subs (all female) and he seemed to be very much like some of the “gentle Dommes” that appear on various sites. But the feeling I got as we chatted, was that he too was reacting to me as a submissive by being protective. And I have begun to wonder, does that mean that when you are “out” as a submissive, that people treat you differently? I kind of liked it—and no, not in a kinky way. It just felt natural and good to be seen as I am, and without judgement. And this was a really big step for me, because not only is he a man, but he is a Dom, which had the potential of feeling threatening. It did not.
But he too was curious about sexual fulfilment, orgasms, release, which for him, as for my female friend discussed above, is the whole point of a sexual encounter. And for him, D/s is, I guess, primarily a sexual experience. One of the most important learnings I have had in playing with Mistress is just how complex our interactions are. Yes, they are erotic, but the erotic is so much more than sex [written about here]. And at first, I tried to explain release in answer to his question in the same context. And yes, release is therapeutic, and I was struggling to equate his release with my love of being wrapped up in a cocoon of endless desire, living on the edge at all times, when I realised that I do have release, very powerful release, and I have it all the time with Mistress. And it can come at any moment, when I am talking to her, when we are playing, when I sit next to her, even when she is not there and I just think about her…it is called crying. Tears. They offer the most exquisite release, and they are not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. [Written about here].
So, somehow, tears are a kind of spiritual release, offering me the equivalent of an orgasm…especially since the erotic for me is about spiritual connection. I am only just learning this and learning how to express it, but I find myself drifting in and out of tears all the time with Mistress…and it is a kind of ecstasy for me, leaving me with a feeling of elation that lasts for days after seeing her, but one I find is lingering longer and stronger the deeper my connection to her grows.
And in a way, having these friends know me is to have them travel with me on this path. It is both reassuring and stabilising, but also helps me to walk with more purpose and certainty.
We all have our forms of sexuality and ways to experience the erotic, we all have ways to experience catharsis, and we all have ways to feel connected to the spirit world. Mine is called submission, and the Medium who connects me to the Earth Goddess is Mistress. Thank you Mistress.