Almost every night now I wake up in the middle of the night, insanely aroused, aching with desire. It is delicious. And I can lie there drifting in and out of wakefulness, almost as if in a dream, and feel bathed in my own arousal. Indeed, it is whole body arousal, as strong as anything I felt as a teen. But it also comes more often and stays around longer than when I was a young lad in the throes of adolescence.
Okay, when I was a teen, I found my way to release, which is something I do only rarely now. I should consider doing so more often, but release has its complications. For instance, I won’t touch myself. Hmm. Yes, impractical, no?! But I am not going to do that and think about what I have down there. Instead I would rather wallow in this intense and growing all-body eroticism, and wallow in it until it takes care of itself.
I would describe myself as someone with a very high sex drive. Just because I don’t rollick with my S.O. [written about here], and have never been super-sexual with my partners, doesn’t mean that sexuality and a desire for relief were not always at the core of my being. I guess there are different strokes for different folks, literally.
Since meeting Mistress, however, my arousal has gone into overdrive. It is a blissful feeling, innocent and lovely. For decades I have been writing erotic stories as an outlet for the kinky thoughts that popped into my head…and the associated creativity comes in waves. What is so strange for me right now, is that a lot of my creative output has shifted [not including this blog] into what I would call vanilla territory. I am writing about all kinds of things.
And just as my writing has shifted, so too has the interaction and dynamic with Mistress. It feels more comfortable, more natural, more free-ranging. To feel her creativity and whimsy flow, but also to have such moments of peace that reign is just so unexpected and so sublime. I am drawn to her energy in so many ways, and it just feels right. I guess people with more experience would be able to say more about this, but it feels as if we head towards what feels like the natural expression of her power. She is an artist with consummate skill. O Miss Pearl [you can find her excellent blog here] has expounded on this at length, but it is a truism in so many ways—you cannot be so good at something unless you have a natural talent for it, unless it really is you. And that is what I am beginning to feel with Mistress. We are gradually moving away from her extraordinarily talents towards her natural power—yes, as a Domina, but as a woman, as a fellow human, as someone who is anchored in the way she is…and that is power in her is beginning to become sewn into my psyche, a pulsing heart of inspiration, and one that at once feeds my submission but also induces it. When I say that I was born to submit, I grossly oversimplified. I was born to submit to this. Whatever her power is and is made of has its mirror in my soul, and nourishing her power, supporting it, but also succumbing to it feeds every part of me.
I wrote previously about how each of us has her or his own erotic landscape, and that this erotic need that each of us have, whatever it is, is some deep-seated part of us voicing that need, a need to connect, to feel, to let go, whatever form it takes depending on each of us. [The post is here]. And that is why I believe I am so aroused all the time. Mistress is awakening parts of me that had fallen asleep, but has also helped me discover things, and it’s like moving from a monochromatic world to one in Technicolor, where every pixel is a part of this vast new erotic landscape. Everywhere I turn, things are coming to life.
We are taught to hide from our sexuality, to feel shame about sexual feelings. At least I was. And if you accept my premise that eros is simply an expression of a deeper emotional need (and one which almost certainly doesn’t have its origin in sex), then all of what is happening to me is that my emotional range is growing. Mistress has expressed to me that the erotic landscape is just another sensory landscape just as touch, taste, or smell…and indeed, is connected to all of those…to be aroused, therefore, is to feel, to feel through all these senses.
And so, in short, the greatest gift of D/s is to be alive, and to feel it with more and more of me—physical me, emotional me, spiritual me. And if someone makes you feel like that, wouldn’t you be on your knees before her giving thanks?