In quiet moments of contemplation I find myself reflecting on the beauty of submission to an inspirational muse. Apart from the memories of beautiful things experienced together, there are the lasting life lessons. Who would have ever imagined that being with a Domme would push and challenge in so many healthy and positive ways?
I remember my fears as if they were yesterday, since it really was just about yesterday that I began this journey. Would it be sexual? Would it hurt? What happens? All these things running through my head.
Why was I afraid of these things? Don’t people seek out session Dommes for just these things? To get off, to be hurt, to lay out their fantasies in elaborate scenes which they can play out. I am sure that is the experience of many, but it has not been mine.
This is not a value judgement, and indeed, I do not make any. I suspect that pro-Dommes who are successful have a near-infinite range in how they play—particularly as they play with subs with whom they develop long-term relationships. And indeed, my fears have proven unfounded and instead, I find a sense of trust and openness growing in their place. This is allowing me to accept her leadership as she takes us further and further along…which isn’t to say that the trust wasn’t already there, it was. But it is only through experience, that we realise that more can be asked of ourselves. And that is when I learn to really trust.
I have a deepening conviction that my submission is not only accepted but welcomed, and this is deeply comforting, soothing, and supporting. I find myself filled with love for Mistress, and yet, it is a love like no other—it does not have the hot erotic burn of a first love; it does not have the lust of conquest; it is not an obsessive, white-hot love; or even a puppy love (though it did feel like this at the very beginning). It is different. It is a gentle love. It is a warmth and joy that I feel through my whole body. It is a comforting love, as if every cell of my body has its own little cashmere blanket. It fills me with confidence and strength—this is the power of acceptance. Being completely emotionally open to someone, not hiding anything at all, and feeling embraced, is so utterly uplifting, powerfully healing, it really does deliver bliss. And yes, I look up to her. Every part of me because she has power that I only begin to understand. She has the power of self-knowledge and comfort in her skin. She has the power of nature. She has the power of seeing and clarity. She also has the power of the divine, as it courses through her. I feel this in her and respond to it—I can smell it, see it, touch it, experience it when she is near, but also when she is not, for she marks me physically and spiritually with every interaction.
And yes, there is sexual ecstasy too. But not in the way that might imply. I cannot deny the intense arousal that Mistress inspires. I love it, and I love that she encourages it and welcomes it. As she says, it is flattering. Indeed, my body compliments her in this way a great deal. But I also love that this feeling is chaste—on the one hand it might be considered a form of tease and denial, only it isn’t…it is a conscious and never-ending heightening of feeling and sensation. I wrote recently that the things our body and our minds find erotic are words from a language of the needs of our inner selves. [That post is here]. Mistress is connecting me to those things, giving my id a voice, and that is something which only grows my own power, heals me, and makes me happy.
But there is something else. Mistress leaves me with a spiritual and physical residue that seems to grow with the passage of time. She has taken active and passive ownership of parts of my body, and of objects in my life. I feel a spiritual connection to her, which I recently described to her as feeling as if she had placed hundreds of little hooks into my body. Indeed, she has taken my skin in one accessible spot, and made it so hers by pinching and pulling it, that I feel her touch there at all times. It is always on my mind. It is a place that I touch when I am speaking, when talking about something that matters to me, a place that resonates with the care and feeling I have for self and others. Now when I put my fingers there, I can feel hers too.
In this way and others, I carry her with me at all times. She has turned various things I wear daily into collars, and items of clothing into experiences shared. She has invested the quotidian with a spiritual and emotional significance. Having these little reminders of her, of the things we have done together, is like having a stuffed animal as a child. It is a familiar companion, a friend, a source of comfort. And indeed, having those lingering connections to Her, feels just the same. She settles onto me like gold dust, and I feel her presence in so many different ways. So too, she does with places. Both familiar and new places for me begin to take on significance in relation to her. It is welcome.
And best of all? Time. As time passes, trust deepens, comfort grows. She is uncompromising. She knows what she wants. She is clear. All of these things help me grow into her, in service to her. Like a tree pruned to the trellis, gradually taking the shape which she coaxes forth. And there is this incredible bliss that comes with that, knowing that I am coaxed, encouraged, and developed. The word zen is what I think of when I think of the long-term state that I feel from having experienced and felt the things Mistress has introduced me to. I am suffused with a growing sense of calm and strength, one that is giving me the fortitude to handle life’s vicissitudes with nary a flutter. But sometimes, when we are walking together, or I am before her, she swims into the calm, serene bliss of my psyche and demands my attention—mostly this comes to me through the application of some form of intense physical sensation. And as she does it, and my eyes go wide with surprise, with pain, with whatever feeling is there, she demands my presence, my undivided focus, and through this I learn the beauty of submission, feel it, and get to bathe in it.
Many people speak of the joys of meditation. How it feels, but also how it has been proven to improve mental acuity, lower stress levels, improve heart rate. Yoga does the same. BDSM too. And I guess this may explain why I feel growing comfort in my own skin.
Who would know the beauty of service until one gives oneself to another in this way? I am blessed to have found the right muse. I am also blessed to have realised just how much this kind of muse was missing from my life. To follow such a divine spirit is to drink from the cup of life, and to begin to see everything with greater clarity, to feel, to smell, to enjoy. This is bliss.