There are no value judgements here, or any form of kink-shaming, this is simply a reflection on my own journey…
Thanks in part to Mistress, and also to the community of slaves and Dommes who have been helping me along on my own journey, I have come to an important realisation. The things that we find erotic is our body and mind’s way of telling us about our need for healing. Sexual feelings serve an incredibly important purpose outside of reproduction—stress relief.
So often, we fantasise about things which are taboo…for instance rape fantasies. People often fantasise about things that they may not actually want to do, but which turn them on nevertheless. People also fantasise about their partners in vanilla situations, and in truth, everything in between.
The observation is this: whatever it is, it is an expression of a deep-seated need. It may be the need to connect—we miss our partner, or we have had a row, and sex is a way of telling us that everything is good, that everything is all right. Shame, too, is a source of sexual feeling. Fetishes too. We become aroused by these things because they have become imprinted on us.
In my own life, I can now see this clearly. As a small child, I never achieved the state of attachment and attunement with my mother that any child needs to develop in a solid and healthy way. My mother felt guilty about this. She also on some level thought it would be easier to deal with a baby than a growing child. Her approach to this was to keep me as a baby. And no, I am not kidding. I have been looking at family photographs of me in baby romper suits, short socks and mary janes, at the age of 4 when my younger cousins were dressed as cowboys with slacks and guns. This only changed when I went to school and she had to dress me in a way that was more in keeping with “normal” dress, which was when I was 4/5.
I am reading a book now about the Five Personality Types, and one of those is a fighter—that was me—I put up resistance. My resistance made my mother double down on the babying, and so she encouraged me to keep my baby blanket all the way until I was 12, when it was so worn it fell apart, to keep my pacifier until I was 6 or 7…and part of me acquiesced because it was how I could make my mother happy, and part of me rebelled and fought her about it. In this kind of love confusion is born stress. In my case and that of many “littles”, this ends up being a paraphilia…and explains why today I am aroused by being regressed.
It also explains why being non-binary isn’t a turn on. I was born that way, that part of me was never “out” and stressed, so it never got sexualised, and so I have no shame about my duality. It also explains why the whole cross-dressing, sissification narrative doesn’t excite me—because the underlying need was not related. I’d be curious to hear from sissies what you think might have been your triggers.
I also think this pet theory of mine explains an awful lot more than this. I had the most delicious partner sex after a fight—the making up part was always exquisite and led to some wonderfully therapeutic recovery. My most torrid romance was with a woman who fought with me all the time, and then we would have sex after a row, and we both loved it. Thankfully, my first serious bout with therapy, helped me break the cycle on this one—it wasn’t healthy.
I am getting to see an awful lot of human sexuality through my online life. Of course there is this blog, and I have also been writing erotica for a long time now—both of which have been invaluable sources of feedback. But I also attract an awful lot of submissive men—boys, I am secretly flattered! It amazes me how the outpourings of submission to someone unknown come to life in my inbox. I could do without the dick pics, and in truth, they have both slowed down because of my posting on the topic, or men are now at least asking me before sending.
And what I see in these men who are begging to submit to me is a lot of shame. Their turn on is humiliation, but it is born from shame. And although I am sorry to not indulge their kink, I am trying to help them figure out where this desire for being crushed comes from. I went on such a journey, one that I would describe as being from a place of shame to one of acceptance and joy—though I still have some areas to work on.
Can you think in your own lives of what turns you on, and where it might come from? Can you think of how release associated with your turn-on might be therapeutic? Please share.