When I first started writing this blog just a few months ago, it was really intended to help me think out loud about some of the issues I was facing. I felt the crushing weight of dysphoria, and I was literally exhausted by a lifetime of hiding the most fundamental aspect of who I am.
I never expected that I would become comfortable enough with myself on this journey to actually “come out” as non-binary, but a combination of factors is bringing this outcome, and it is an enormous relief.
First, I have been talking with lots of people about gender issues, both here and in person, in my personal life but also professional life. This has helped me to articulate more clearly and with passion, what it actually feels like to live in hiding as non-binary, what it feels like to live in a body that you don’t accept.
While I have no intention, and never have had any intention to expose my children to my sexuality before they reach the age of maturity, they are smart, and one of them more or less told me the other day. This child was asking me about pronouns, and how a classmate at school was using different pronouns, and was asking me to help explain it. I asked, “why are you asking me this anyway?” and the reply was “you are the most LGBTQ” in the family. I was really impressed, but also happy to not he judged by my own child.
One of my other children also “knows” but is reacting by telling me to body-build and do other things that are classically masculine. It makes me uncomfortable. I haven’t said anything, but I was talking to a female friend, and she was telling me that her son of the same age was also doing body-building and that this troubled her. It seems to be a popular pastime during COVID.
I have only ever “come out” as non-binary to two people, one is the Domme who accepts my submission, and the other is one of my longest and deepest friends. A few days ago, I told another. She and I were talking about dating, and she was asking about men—asking a man for a perspective on men.
My views, as you might have guessed, are not always so positive. She wondered why more men were not more enlightened like me. I thanked her for the compliment, but then told her I didn’t regard myself as male, that I am non-binary and have always been so. She didn’t miss a beat, indeed, she understood immediately. We didn’t even need to discuss it.
What did she say? “That explains why I’ve always felt so comfortable around you.” I am beginning to understand also that might explain why so many of my past girlfriends had sexual abuse and rape in their pasts…Though I have to say that is unfortunately, so common, that it is hard to know if I put off safe harbour vibes.
In any event, I have decided to start being more open about this, and will continue to drip it out, no longer deny it, because it is just not shameful. I know that my creativity and unique take on the world and life stems from this, it is incredibly enriching, and I won’t be shamed by it ever again.
Plus, my new therapist is very supportive—which always helps!