Everything I am doing and discovering in D/s is new to me. It is a shame that I cannot lose my innocence over and over again, but in a sense, by being an “experimentalist” and willing to try anything, perhaps I can.
Apart from knowing that submission was an existential need [written about here], I really didn’t have pre-conceived notions about what D/s was going to be like. It was very important to me to present myself to Mistress as a submissive, not as a fetishist asking her to provide certain services [written about here]. What that means is that there is no roadmap for where we are going. Not even for Her. Yes, of course she is experienced, and knows more about this than I will ever know—because she is a professional, there is no way that I could ever catch up to her as one slave submitting to a Woman who sees many. Recognising that increases my trust in Her.
Suddenly I am reminded of a song, “what need have I for this, what need have I for that, I am dancing at the feet of my Lord.” And indeed, that is how it feels to be with Mistress in submission.
I have always been a person very attached to material things. This is a by-product of growing up without. Being surrounded by abundance, living in a society where my friends were all living with greater financial security and material wealth. It created in me a pack rat mindset, and I have always been a convulsive shopper. And then there is the ADD—shopping compulsion combined with an inability to throw things out—you can guess why my SO complained that our recent home move was mostly about moving my stuff! But as I age, I also am finally finding myself able to let go of material possessions. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t easy yet, but it is going in that direction. It has begun with not wanting to buy myself so much anymore.
If I have a fetish it is for kitchen appliances. Yes, I like to cook as you might have guessed by the recipes I put on this site. I have a kitchen tool for every eventuality. But now, I don’t feel like buying them anymore. At least, not for me…
I wrote about how blissful it was to wash Mistress’s feet in a spontaneous act of service that took both of us by surprise—the opportunity and its denouement were completely natural. [You can read about that here]. And I felt total and utter bliss kneeling at her feet in a very public way. The world ceased to exist. The only thing that mattered was service to Mistress. That it was in public made it all the more so, but I was strangely unconscious of the watchful eyes of others. Nothing mattered.
We had been discussing not long before this desire of mine to be accepted in a more public way as her slave. Various online platforms are certainly providing a small outlet for that, and for which I am grateful. This desire was totally unexpected. That is what I meant when I wrote that everything is new to me. I had no idea that I would like to be “out” in my submission, but this is a feeling that is growing inside of me. I am proud to submit to Her.
First off, she is an incredible person. That on its own, is grounds for pride (even though it is a bad word). Second, submission on the terms we are pursuing, is an honour, an uplifting one. She is pushing me to be more, to push myself, to grow, and with every step, I have a real sense of accomplishment. Yes, just like a baby learning to walk who takes delight in how the world opens up when the legs are no longer just wet noodles, I am learning of the wonderful places that submission to a Goddess can take me.
This is not to say that I want to grow screaming from every hillside that I am a slave. I don’t want to attract any “weirdos”. Right? Though I like to think of myself as a good “weirdo”. More importantly I don’t wish to make anyone uncomfortable. I don’t wish that wearing my heart on my shirtsleeves, being “out”, should be at the expense of anyone else. And, I don’t to embarrass my immediate family—my SO, my children, who might find the idea of their dear old (insert favourite male role model word) naked and leashed being taken for a walk in the forest as something a little embarrassing. Sorry kids, that’s me!
But Mistress has taken this need of mine to heart, and we are together discovering ways for me to be “out”. The first opportunity is going to present itself in a few days, something which I look forward to with growing excitement. I am going to meet another Dominatrix. She is a good friend of Mistress, and we will be together. No, nothing kinky, just a chance to chat and to get to know one another. Easy does it. But for me, this is a wonderfully exciting step. It allows me to be with Mistress in front of another person who does not judge, who will accept, and who will surely have her own thoughts on how I might grow into my submission with Mistress. And if the chemistry is there, who knows, we might one day be able to play together. The idea of two giggling sadists feeding off one another’s energy and delivering whatever sweet tortures their kinky minds generate fills me with a cocktail of fear, excitement, and hunger.
There are other opportunities which will arise within the community, and I look forward to experiencing them when the time is right. Making our time together count for the advancement of specific goals enriches the experience, as well as the between time.
I have no idea how this will develop over the long-term, but it is a reasonable goal to think that I find a way to reconcile my slavery with my life. In doing so, if it were to help another on either side of the slash to normalise how you can be a professional person and family person and still be a proud submissive. I’ll drink to that.