So is everyone else it seems, but every time I post about “little” space I always see my follower count go down–a small measure I know, but the message is clear, people are at least as uncomfortable with it as I am, and that’s why I need to write about it.
Think of it this way. If you had to explain your kinks to someone, would it be easy or hard? Would you feel any shame in doing so? By that yardstick, I could speak more or less freely to anyone in my life about submission, being non-binary, being on a voyage of discovery through D/s and finding I like being beaten, fantasise about being tied up (though have never done it)…no problem. Is it because those things are now deemed mainstream? Not so taboo anymore? Maybe, but I would also like some credit for all of the psychic energy spent on both the process of self-discovery that led me to those things and the process of growing up that made it possible to talk about them.
Little space is different. It feels more taboo. It certainly feels more private. Way more intimate, way more secret. It isn’t really something I ever told anyone. Including my three really close female friends who have known that I was non-binary since more or less meeting me…
I watch some people in the blogosphere and on Twitter, and their openness about being ABDL, or whichever other version of age-play kink they are into, and admire their courage. I don’t have it. But I also worry about imposing my freedom and liberation on other people. If I go out wearing a dress, no big deal. If I were to go out wearing a diaper, wow, even if all hell didn’t break loose, I sure would feel as if it should.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but it is also hard not to judge at times. And this one kink is a perversion that seems to attract an awful lot of judgement, including from within the kink community.
Admittedly, my own forays into the “ABDL” landscape have been timid and quite mild. I don’t have an obsessive need, I don’t use them, I just like what wearing them feels like, and what it does to my head. And although my desire to wear them comes and goes, it is the longest-running single strand erotic thread in my life—there was never a time I can remember not being aroused by this. Already when I was 4 or 5, finding diapers to wear, a pacifier to suck, was an obsession.
You’d think by now I would have come to terms with it. This was one of the things I sought to work on in therapy. I wanted this desire to go away. In the end, my therapist helped me to understand that it wasn’t healthy to want it to go away, better to just accept it. That was a huge relief, but it wasn’t a complete solution.
I look at some ABDL people and they are really seriously into it, to the point of abdication of personal responsibility. I can relate to the kink side of that, and wanting to feel that way for little concentrated bursts of time, or at least can understand it, but going all the way is hard for me to get my head around, it feels like irresponsible kink, or one where therapy is the order of the day, not something else.
It took me a really long time to just have the courage on this blog to write about this as a kink of my own, afraid of how people might judge. The first time I opened up about this to a serious GF, it was like she froze, and we never ended up speaking about it again. She was the one and only person who fisted me, and that was at her instigation—she wanted me to do all kinds of things like that to her too, and she was out to teach me the anal landscape.
But I also felt that it was wrong of me to be with someone in a serious way and to not be open about this. No secrets please. The second person I told was not only okay with it, she so completely indulged it, I often felt that she was more turned on by it than I was. It became the essence of our love language, and I had all sorts of cute “Mommy” names for her, and she “baby” names for me, and boy oh boy did we have a lot of fun in the sack. I don’t think I have ever had a more fulfilling sexual relationship, and in truth, though she was not a Domme, per se, she encouraged me to worship her, and I did. I bathed her, massaged her, tended to her sexual needs, cooked for her, supported her, and showered her with love and gifts and travel and wonderful life experiences. And I never went on a business trip without finding a neat little baby care package tucked away in my suitcase. And so many nights she would read to me as we went to sleep, or bottle fed me, and let me tell you, all kink aside, this was just so blissful and warm and connected.
And right there is what diapers mean to me. They are a symbol. The way they feel is a trigger for that symbol. The accessories are a symbol. The smell of baby powder is too. The symbol is of comfort, of love and comfort, and freedom from fear. And yes, I need that. Sometimes I need it bad. When stresses go way up, my need for it often appears. The rest of the time I can do without. But it is there, always. I don’t do it to get off. Don’t think that it doesn’t arouse me. It does. Intensely so, but my greatest and deepest arousal is about submission, about feeling helpless, and gosh, what is more helpless than a baby?
I know I shouldn’t feel shame, but I haven’t quite figured out how not to. It took my wife many years to come to terms with it, and I am not really sure if she ever did. After we spoke about it the first time, we never indulged it, she surely knows I have diapers in the house, but we have never discussed it. They are out of sight, out of mind. The only time it came up was when she was pregnant with our first child and we were buying baby furniture, and she was interpreting my taste in baby furniture as kinky and threatening to our future child. I don’t know whether my heart has ever burnt with a more acute sense of injustice.
But her feelings cannot be dismissed. So many people out there conflate the world of ABDL people with child abuse. The only stats I have ever seen on the topic suggest that ABDL people are less likely to be child molesters than the general population, but I am sure there are bad apples everywhere. It is important to underline that sexualising those who cannot consent is unspeakably wrong. I suspect that most ABDL people were possibly abused in some way or another, whether they define it that way or not.
I think of my own Mother, and I don’t feel that she abused me, but I know that there was an inappropriate sexual energy in our dynamic when I was young and later growing up. And while I can’t fault her for it, I also can’t forget that I was a baby at the time, unable to make decisions, and she was the responsible party. Understanding it all, understanding its origins certainly helps me in private not feel shame, but it doesn’t mean that I can be absent shame with others. And for some reason that I don’t understand, poist “coitus” is when feelings of shame seem to strike.
One of the things that I liked about Mistress on paper before contacting her was that she had experience dealing with “Adult Babies”. Indeed, one of her many subs struck me as a very well-adjusted kinkster who was able to articulate his desires and limits in much the same way I would. I was also comforted by her having engaged in kinks that were far more extreme than any I have ever contemplated, so that made me feel comfortable that she would never judge me. But lastly, and most importantly, Mistress was not a fetish-dispenser. I had seen plenty of Mistresses that specialise in taking care of Adult Babies, and plenty of them in my home town too. But I am not really an Adult Baby. Yes, I get excitecd by some of the same things, but I don’t think of myself as a fetishist in this sense. I am interested in submission, of feeling helpless and dependent, of being able to look into Mistress’s eyes and feel that when I let go she won’t, that she will hold me and make it all right.
Does that make sense? The accessories just seem to open the door. I have said to Mistress that this one kink is the one that scares me, as it is the one that I fear could trigger feelings of shame. I haven’t figured out how to get around that yet. But knowing that even kinky people judge ABDL, I am not so sure that this will ever be overcome.
So, this is something I might just keep to myself. Though I do see that some of the kinky diaper loving ladies in the Twittersphere might be good fun to play with!
I’d be really curious to know what the rest of you think about this particular kink and the people who practise it, whether you follow me for the kinky things I post or for the other stuff.