What is it for you?
My biggest discovery about D/s with a real person and not just reading about it or watching videos online, or whatever solo exploration existed, is that what I wanted from a fellow human was very different than what I fantasised about.
I know that it is hard to believe that in this day and age that someone could be off of social media, but that was largely true…I had no personal social media accounts up until a year ago, and then finally, all at once, I took the plunge. I was pulled in by a desire to explore the world of D/s.
Boy, what a treasure trove of kinky stuff the internet is! So, yes, for a little while I was that kid in the candy store, totally turned on by what I was discovering. But at somewhere along the way, I realised I was looking for something very different. It wasn’t about sex for me, and all of the content online was overtly sexual. I realised that D/s was existential for me, part of who I am, not what I fantasise about or get turned on by. Yes, there is a sexual part to it, but it is mainly a spiritual endeavour for me.
D/s appears to be very much about fetish-fulfilment, ritual and protocol, formal games played between consenting adults. And perhaps this serves only to entice. My own journey would never have started if this were the entry point. I know, I tried.
While I have encountered so much fun stuff online, the truth is that what I really care about is my growth and evolution as a person. And I have been submissive my whole life, just never really willing to let it out. Being submissive to someone is being true to myself, but that truth for me has to be one that improves me, raises me up, demands of me to do better, be better.
Submission is all about feelings of love. I submit because I love. Love and respect for the person who accepts my submission echoes the love I feel for myself, but also the love that springs forth only because submission has found a voice.
I am curious that there is so little of love described in all of the material on D/s, whether stories, online, or elsewhere. Why is that? When we submit in a religious sense it is divine and fulfilling and fills our hearts. We often call the Woman to whom we submit a “Goddess”. And of course, this is not literally true, but in another sense it is. She becomes a medium for the transmission of something that is bigger and more powerful than all of us. To be confronted by that, to have that right before me, cannot help but trigger overwhelming feelings of submission.
There is only beauty in that. So why is the public narrative of D/s so often filled with humiliation and degradation? I am just asking, not judging. And that is only because I can only feel submissive towards someone who I can also love, who triggers deep feelings of joy and wonder and inspiration inside of me. And for love to be successful, there must be respect. Respect has to be a two-way street. Degradation and humiliation don’t make happy bedfellows with respect. I am not ashamed of being a submissive. On the contrary, it is the source of my strength. There is no shame in love, there is only the desire to love more.
And one Domme once asked me what my goal was, why was I there, what did I hope to gain. My answer? To find a Domme who would take the time and effort to mould me into the kind of submissive she would be proud to own and collar–no preset notions of how this would be accomplished, what we might do together, just the goal to be made in Her image. My promise in return? To always try to follow wherever she leads, no matter what, and to speak up when I can’t. And to try again.