This is a positive step in my personal development, as these fantasies were there for all the wrong reasons. It is a most wonderful Mistress who has helped me find that inner flame again.
I’ve had a breakthrough in self-consciousness recently. Growing up non-binary always made me wonder about sexual preferences, but feeling like and wanting to be a girl never translated into attraction towards men, or boys my age. In reality, the opposite happened. I actively disliked boys and men, and on so many levels. I was definitely not at all physically attracted to them.
But when I was about 18, dating my first serious girlfriend, and also beginning to express my inner girl through clothes, I was sexually molested by a man. It was in his car, and he was giving me a ride, and he seduced me. He talked dirty to me at first very vaguely, and then as he learned what I responded to, gradually teased my arousal out of me, and I ended up kinky horny in a way that I had never felt before. And we all know that rational thought goes out the window when a teenager gets aroused, right?! The horniness was ratcheted up several notches because it felt so wrong, so dirty, and so taboo. He discovered that talking about putting boys and men on leashes with dog collars was a turn on. I though he had my submissive number!
He told me to spread my legs and to make myself accessible to him. His commanding tone and his muscular hand felt so different from a girl’s that it just increased my arousal. He had tapped into my submissiveness, and I let him run with it. I think at that moment, and in that state, there was nothing I would not have done if it involved further submission. I also knew it was wrong, but I was aroused, and also curious. We pulled off the road in a secluded spot and I wanted him to dominate me, and I was prepared to do pretty much anything…but as it happened, he wanted to fellate me, and that was a total turn-off! Thankfully he let me cancel out, but I could still feel his beefy, muscled hands on my privates for weeks after.
For days, months, even years I was both aroused by what had happened and totally puzzled and disturbed by it. He was insanely unattractive, burly, fat, balding, paunchy, kind of gross, and probably in his mid-60’s. It was the situation that had turned me on, and how filthy it felt. I didn’t like it, but it turned me on anyway. This whole scenario crept into my psyche and I began to read and write gay erotica. It was very often variations on the theme, usually power dynamics at play, and always the submissive male, me, being forced into it, and then loving it, and crossing the rubicon. The number of “first time” gay encounter stories I wrote over the years still surprises me.
And this became a dominant sexual fantasy of mine to the point where I would think about these kinds of things even when I was with a woman or an SO. There was something in the humiliation of it, in how taboo it was, that just struck a deep chord. But just as odd, I never acted on it. I never developed a taste for men, I never started finding them attractive, none of that early starting point ever changed. I couldn’t understand it. I was still only attracted to women. But this fantasy became so deeply rooted that it crowded out all heterosexual fantasies for many years.
My ah-hah moment comes now. I felt enormous guilt and incomprehension about what it felt like to be non-binary. I was frustrated by how hard it was to be feminine in a male body and to submissively attract and hold female attention. All of this was playing out, and of course we all know that our teen years are filled with confusion. This man just acted as a trigger and humiliation was the narrative I attached to being non-binary because I couldn’t find any positive role models to latch onto.
The gay humiliation narrative was born from this, and it was not a natural fit for me, nor was it at all healthy. It is hard to believe in this day and age that someone could actually be not on social media and unaware of all the porn on the internet. But that is me. So, I never sought it out. I have never been a visual person, so looking at pictures of naked women, or fetish things, never did it for me. Pictures of naked men were a double turn off. I could read about it, but looking at it wasn’t me. I would much rather look at a copy of Vogue than anything that is even erotica or porn. What isn’t said and what isn’t shown is far more seductive to me.
All of this began to change last year when I discovered Tumblr and some of the insane imagery and tropes on that site. I also discovered sissy hypno and other kinds of “extreme” erotica—I say extreme, because pretty much anything is extreme to me. I enjoyed looking at it, and I did find myself aroused by it, uncommonly so, at first.
But during this time I also began to engage with some online Dommes and eventually began to explore my feelings out loud with people I know that I can talk to, but especially people in the kink community. A lot of this was around the whole sissy narrative. Most of the online Dommes who approached me came at me all guns blazing calling me sissy b$$£Q$ and so on. I’ll admit, that was fun for a bit, but I also began to realise that it wasn’t me.
For one, being degraded because I am submissive just doesn’t fit with my psyche. I am proud to be submissive. I have always been that way. And that is why I never submitted before, because I never found a person or a situation that would take on a proud submissive. And the more these Dommes came onto me as their sissy b%$%$£, the more I realised that I wanted something very different. At about the same time, the gay fantasies started to recede. I was way more aroused than I had been in a long time, and this seemed to be increasing, but none of it was about the old fantasies.
I haven’t had a gay fantasy in almost a year. Yes, I can read my own erotica and still get turned on by it. In fact, its pretty hot stuff. If you want to read some of it, you can find it on Smashwords or on Amazon. Sissification porn, humiliation porn, sissy hypno have also stopped exciting me, but this was more of a rational process. I respect women too much, and something clicked for me—that there is nothing humiliating about becoming a woman, or wanting to be like one, or wanting to dress like one. And I also realised that for me at least, these kinds of fantasies were not healthy, did not represent who I am, where I am going, or my goals. And just like that, they went away.
What’s different? For the first time in my life, my id, my innermost sexual being, is coming out of hiding, and getting to play. And she is no longer so ashamed. She is finding people to play with and is very excited for that. Mistress, in particular, has been a wonderful boon to her.
My erotic imagination has also shifted in a very fundamental way. It has come back into alignment with how I felt when I first went through puberty—an insane attraction to beauty, female power, and a dominant woman. And its like my true nature, my true sexual being, has been in hiding for so, so long. Meeting Mistress has liberated that. That’s why I have such intense joy in being with her. I feel so insanely free, like never before. That Mistress has made me fantasy life straight again blows my mind. Everything running through my mind erotically has to do with women, and its like a cloud has lifted. I have nothing against gay anything, it just wasn’t me, and it was inside of me for all the wrong reasons. This transformation is like water for my soul, as if I have wandered in the desert for so long. What is more important still is that for the first time in decades, my arousal is for what is happening in the room, not for what is happening in my mind. I have never in my life been so present for a person than I am for Mistress.
Being non-binary caused guilt that manifested itself as humiliation fantasies with men. Ironic, considering I always self-described as a lesbian. And certainly, that is a much closer fit to how I feel and how I like to be with a woman. Mistress is the first person who has ever played with or even met my id…my id being the animal core of my being that is fundamentally female. And weirder still, she is encouraging me to accept my male self–maybe not explicitly, but is showing me the way. Being able to come out of the shadows for the first time in my life is healing and affirming. Just being with Mistress in a natural way has had positive affects on my development as a person–kink or no kink.
This feels like a huge step forward for me. That is not say that I don’t have so much to learn. But what I do know is that growing out of gay fantasies for me is a huge developmental step away from a humiliation narrative, and that is a milestone of strength which happened over the year leading up to meeting this divine woman who now accepts my submission. But letting go of all these other fantasies and paraphilias is just as important. This woman has pierced me through the nose, and has re-oriented me towards sexual true North, and I know that being with her is an important step in my life now. It starts with accepting her guidance and leadership. I don’t know if there is someone out there who could be more naturally attractive to me in this role. This Woman is so deeply intelligent, so cultured, interesting, but also so perceptive and insightful about love and relationships and who and how we are. But most of all, she is genuinely interested in and supportive of my growth as a person.
I always flirted with girls, with women as I grew up, and I had no problem getting them to talk to me–I was good looking (yes, even modelling), a sports star, not at all awkward or shy…but it was almost impossible to find a woman who would stay attracted as I revealed my submissive nature. That special energy did not appeal to many girls growing up, nor to women in my adulthood. I always found in those days that most women were into guys that were more predatory or in aggressive pursuit, whereas I wanted the girl to hunt me and tame me. With Mistress, I can live this and no longer be afraid.
Being with Mistress is also good for me because it shows me how to walk away from humiliation and turn towards affirmation and positivity. Now I can taste it a sexual life without shame. And I feel stronger than I have ever felt in my life. My friends, my family, are also all picking up on it. I am giving off a level of energy that is demonstrably more powerful, and more positive than I ever have before.
I am at the bottom of the ladder. At the top of the ladder are many beautiful things. For the first time in my entire life, I am aware of the climb ahead, but also have the strength, courage, and determination to make it…and am beyond grateful for the Goddess who has extended her hand to show me the way. Much of it is difficult, and some of that is imminent, but I can see it, and understand why it is important to overcome my weaknesses. And now have the motivation and courage to crush them. God bless you Mistress, you are making such a positive difference to my life.