Cultivating the inner slave with the patience of a gardener, so that we both may enjoy the fruits of our labour.
Oh Mistress! Is this real? Will I really and truly be permitted to serve you? Bliss. Pinch me.
I have begun to reflect on the meaning of the word “service” in relation to D/s. Service to whom, to what, for what purpose? I do not know how others process this word, or what it means to others, but its meaning is gradually revealing itself, and what it means to me.
Service is not about “me”. Service is about the person, or people, being served. Service is a selfless act, or at least aspires to be. Better still, submission through service is a selfless way of being. It is dedication and loyalty. It is hard work. It is providing support, in whatever form that takes, with joy. It is not questioning what is done with service, or how it is used, it is giving for the sake of giving. It is giving simply because giving is what fulfills. The more relevant my service can be to Her, to all of Her, not just the part of Her that interacts with me, the better and richer it is.
I believe that most kink relationships, be they professional or lifestyle, are perhaps transactional. I do not know this, but only guess. They are about “my” needs in the moment. The moment may be sexual, or it may be bounded by the “bedroom”, or perhaps by a “session” of some kind, no matter where and what that is. “I give to you, now you give to me.” That isn’t me; I am not comfortable with that construct. Grappling with it has proven to be my biggest challenge so far.
I have said previously that submission is the antidote to narcissism. Read the post here. I am drawn to D/s because there is nothing that makes me feel more alive than to give myself over to another person.
What I came in search of was “clean” submission: to not make demands, but to respond to someone else’s needs. To be genuinely submissive, to give with all of me, so that Her life may be made better, to support Her, to feed Her. I was told recently by another Domme that “genuine” service submissives are very rare. I don’t know if this is true; I should think that Dommes willing to accept and receive such service may be rarer still. No matter the case, to be permitted to serve is a most cherished treasure.
Submission is becoming a state of being. Service is a consequence of that state. It is not something that turns on and off. It is who I am. Mistress used the word “slave” for the first time in front of me. Not directed at me, just the word. I don’t remember the sentence or the context, just the word itself. It is a powerful word. It rumbles around in my belly, making a ruminant of me—chewing on it, regurgitating it, digesting it—and thinking about what it might mean. A sigh of contentment might escape my lips as I lean into it.
In the book Service, reviewed here, a slave is defined as someone who has relinquished choice to her Master. Is it just a degree of obedience? Is it just a degree of selflessness?
Mistress is a Professional Dominatrix. That makes me a client. But what happens when the client/provider model is based on the idea of submission, and that the essence of submission is to render service to the other. What happens when the roots of submission lie in belonging to the other person? How do you stop belonging to someone when the session ends? How do you not belong to Her when you render service to Her? I don’t think it does. I believe it is existential. It becomes tied to one’s sense of self and purpose in life. Thankfully there are guard rails. These come in the form of relationships outside of D/s, responsibilities outside of D/s, and above all, a self-imposed, and all-consuming need to grow as a human in society, competing, winning, succeeding, for such steps make submission far more delicious. The hunger and drive it takes to achieve is itself both fed by and rewarded by submission. When the Goddess is both motivator and reward, the circle is complete.
Fantasy can take us to wimpy places, dark places, unrealistic places, and by all means, go there, get it out of your system. Look at it, consider it, understand it, feed on it if you must, but then use that to pull your pants up, stand tall, and go and conquer the world. For no matter, the measure of the man is in what he is prepared to lay at her feet.
To give myself to Her, to be truly submissive, is to let go. To render service to Her is in recognition of all of Her. What She does with it, for whom she uses it, how She uses it does not matter. All that matters is that She uses it, finds value in it. The more fundamental my service can be to Her, the more useful it is in her life, the more valuable it is to Her, the greater the servant I become, the more fulfilled I become in my submission. That my service could grow to be relied upon, that I should be as faithful and strong as a trusted steed (and as much fun to pet!). And yes, there is a string attached to both service and submission. That She receive it and accept it, and with me, cultivate it, channel it just as we channel water to irrigate our fields.
The very thought that Mistress has a full and rich life, one that extends a million miles in every direction, and one that very much exists outside of the confines of our interactions enriches my submission. I give to Her also that She may give to those around Her, that She may be as fully present in the lives and moments that give Her strength and sustenance and meaning. She is surrounded by others who exist in her life, and I give to them too, as they are part of Her. She is a whole person, not just defined by the bounds of play. And just as She serves me in a way by holding my heart and receiving my submission, so too She serves others in life in many ways. By giving to Mistress, I also nourish Her ability to give to those around her. The more fundamentally valuable my service to Her can be, the more deeply fulfilling it is to me.
I do not know where my submission will lead or how it will take shape. What I do know is that it is a path I take that brings me comfort and joy. To know that Mistress holds my hand and guides me is the most powerful reason to continue forward. To grow into service is to truly submit. I have long yearned to belong to someone for the sake of being able to serve them. So many meanings. Oh the joy!
It feels as if I am holding a fire hose, and it is still spraying wildly because I can’t quite control it just yet. But I will. I will wrestle my submission into submission, make origami out of it, and present it at your feet Mistress. I wish for nothing more than to belong to you, to render service to you, and in so doing, be relevant to you, welcomed, cherished, accepted.