The Goddess has more power than I could ever imagine.
In my entire life, every sexual encounter that my male body has had, has been with a woman. So, technically, I was always “straight”. But since I have never felt comfortable accepting my male body, I always thought of myself as having lesbian sex…and indeed, the tyranny of the penis has had no place in my life. Ahh, the joys of being non-binary! This has helped me please the partners I was with, and to focus on their pleasure as much or more than my own.
But I also have a mind, and my mind has always gone to places that were not present. As I touched her I might have been imagining something completely different. Mistress has show me that absent-minded touch is not the same as mindful touch. Few are the instances when I could honestly say that I was lost in feeling with a woman, but they are memorable as being the greatest rollicks between the sheets I had ever had. Instead, I let my mind wander as I went through the motions of pleasing her…My mind went to many places, to BDSM fantasies, to fetish fantasies, to fantastical situations, on occasion they included the person I was with, but mostly they were strangers, male or female, and involved some kind of power exchange, humiliation, degradation–often things I had no desire to act out in real life.
And here I am, in the hands of a Dominatrix for the first time. The unexpected consequences are what confuse and intrigue in equal measure. Here is a Woman who indulges the fantastical landscape that used to be in my mind and brings it into the room. She demands my attention, and sees immediately when I am false, not present, not accepting the feeling for what it is. All of my fantasies are transferring to her. I am becoming intoxicated by a Woman, a real, living, present-in-the-moment Woman. She is teaching me how to touch and how to be touched. She is teaching me how to give and how to receive.
Now she inhabits my fantasies and my dreams. And I am relentlessly with her, at least trying to be, and she is helping me to grow into this. Fantasy was always better than reality for me–as I believe it is for most people. And in truth, one of my fears of going to see a Dominatrix in the first place was that I might find the reality less appealing than the fantasy. For once in my life erotic reality is far better than the dream. I could never have imagined.
And so I find myself thinking of Her, what we did, what we might do, the things she says, what she looks like, feels like, smells like, tastes like…and how she moulds me and bends me. This is an unexpected gift.
For years I have written humiliation erotica—one day I might actually provide a link—gay erotica, fetish stories, but never the kind of fantasies that I experience now, because they are happening to me. I had to tell Her. For the first time in my life, I just feel like being in the room, present, with her. There are decades of habit to unravel, but Mistress is deft and patient, and she waits for me when I stumble and fall, taking my hand and leading me. For the first time in my life, I am having straight sexual fantasies. Not even years of therapy could make this happen…and here I am, at the very beginning of a journey that inhabits the world of fantasy, ironically learning how to be present, to show and give love, to receive love, and to do it all through the senses. I’m still a baby at this…but I’ve felt it for the first time, and look forward to bringing into my life, all of it.
Her femininity is unlike any other I have ever encountered, majestic, powerful, humbling…but She is also much more than that. Yes, a Goddess can walk the earth–maybe she lives in all of us. Just some people know how to talk to her better than others.
Thank you so much Goddess. For this alone, you have my eternal gratitude. Humbly yours always. PLJ.