Attention male subs, “don’t let the side down!”
Last week I had the great pleasure to interact with a number of Domme’s as part of an experience sharing weekend. The learning was tremendous. But one troubling thing came up directly and indirectly over and over again. Male narcissism and male privilege.
How could it be that these two toxic tropes could be so present in the last place one might expect to find it? That they exist at all within the context of behaviours demonstrated on the right side of the slash blows me away.
For me, the whole point of submission is the erasure of narcissism. When I first met the Woman who has graciously taken me on as someone permitted to submit to her, I begged that she not ask me what I want, pleaded with her to not do with me what I see so many Pro-Domme’s do, which is to work with a list of fetishes they indulge. I asked if she would simply take me on her terms, to bend and mould as she wished. I promised that I would be an open book to her, as this would help her to know me and to know my levers of control, but that it was important to me that submission to her was genuine, not an exercise in fetish fulfilment. I vowed to do my best to follow her wherever she wanted to go. I wouldn’t dare think that I am good at this, or doing well, and would never ask…I am only trying, and in my trying, hope that she recognises my effort and encourages me to keep going.
I realise what a tremendous responsibility she took on when she accepted this, and I look forward to sharing what it feels like and what I am learning once she grants me permission to do so, and once I feel that I have something of value to share. But the point for me is that it isn’t about me, but about establishing a connection. For me to come to her with demands would seem to negate the essence of submission in the first place.
And while I really enjoyed the learning from the kinky weekend experience sharing, what I kept hearing over and over was how most submissive men are just as demanding, if not more, than their vanilla counterparts. What a disappointment! The patriarchy is alive and well in the D/s community, the last place I would expect to find it. Am I just too naïve?
Wouldn’t you think that of all men, a submissive man, one who is submitting to a Dominant Woman, would both be more deferential and more sensitive to power dynamics? I can’t really understand it. The hypocrisy of male submission came in two main areas.
The first was “the approach”. How a submissive man approaches a Domme. The second is what is known in the kink community as a “service” sub. Let’s take the general commentary one topic at a time.
Dommes lamented that men who approach them seem to leave their charm and brains at the door. There is always a straight to fetish, or straight to “this is what I want you to do to me” narrative. The other common approach is “I will be your slave forever” or some other silly comment to make to someone one has never met before. Both of these methods of approaching a Domme show a total lack of respect, a lack of personal artistry, and a lack of sensitivity to what you are asking in the first place. How can a sub not see that? Or is there such a thing as a “fake” sub? Or are these men just fetishizing submission, and the Domme is just a kink dispenser to use for their titillation?
This astonishes me. Based on the feedback from the many Dommes participating in the kinky weekend experience share, this is indeed true. Depressing.
Yes, there is a balance in the approach. You can’t be so submissive that you are unable to approach. But surely just engaging with a Domme, letting her know that you are interested in her, that you have looked at her profile, or heard about her, or something that is grounded in normalcy is a good starting point. I mean, shouldn’t a sub know this better than anyone? Shouldn’t a sub, by his very nature, be sensitive to these things? How dare he be so forward when approaching a Domme for the first time? Shouldn’t he know what a privilege it is?
I do know that there are some of you submissives out there who are genuine in your submission, and I look forward to growing into myself in this way…and peace be upon you. For the rest of you, please learn better manners, you are letting the side down.
The second area where the male sub fails is one of service. There are many male subs who seek a service relationship with their Domme. That might mean doing household chores, cleaning, that kind of thing. The consistent pattern here, as with the previous example, is that female subs of either male or female Dominant partners, have no issues with the approach and make excellent servants, but male subs are another matter.
A female Domme, with her male subs, mostly finds that not only do they suck at cleaning, but that they just want to prance around in a maid outfit and soak up lot’s of her attention. Again, privilege.
I think this is outrageous. Part of me wants to laugh, but another part is very, very saddened by this. Is male privilege so deeply ingrained that a guy can’t even perform such fundamental tasks without asserting his needs? Kind of gross, really. I mean, boys, what good is submission if you suck at it? What good is submission if it is an exercise in kink fulfilment for you rather than an act of genuine service and devotion from you towards your Domme?
What is the matter with all of you? If you are going to service your Domme by cleaning her home, then ditch the kink suit, get on your hands and knees, and scrub until it is spotless. And do it without a peep, without expectation, and when you are done, humbly tell her that you are done, and wish for her to inspect…and dammit, do a good job, no, a great job. And don’t expect anything in return. Just go home and revel in what you have just done to improve her life, to make her life easier.
Male privilege is everywhere, and it is just sickening. C’mon guys, don’t you have any sense of self esteem or pride?