Why are there so few female lifestyle Domme’s?


And more importantly, how does a Domme feel love in herself?

A casual stroll through the Twittersphere and you would think that there are many, many Domme’s out there.  But in truth, ‘tis but a drop in the ocean.  And these are Pro-Dommes, most of whom who have chosen the profession because it is a good way to make money.  As with any job, you are better at it if you like it, and generally, if you like it, you are better at it.  But I am not sure that so many pro-Dommes are Dommes because they have a calling, an internal need to dominate, that drives them forward.

I do know that there are lifestyle Domme’s out there, who were “born this way”.  But it strikes me as incredibly rare.  Okay, D/s is rare.  Even if 50% of all men say they wish to be dominated, and quite possibly 100% are titillated by the imagery, how many actually do it?

What I am after here is an understanding of how a power dynamic can thrive for the long term.  Can love live within the context of a D/s relationship.  Can a total power exchange “TPE” relationship between adults result in a sustainable, long-term loving relationship?

Has anyone ever heard of a Pro-Domme who also happens to be a lifestyle Domme and who has one S.O. that is her slave or submissive, but who is there, permanently, as part of a mutually loving and fulfilling relationship?

I ask because it seems to me that there is zero quality fiction on this topic.  There has never been to my mind a true romance written about a healthy, caring, long-term relationship that involved D/s generally, and more specifically F/m.  Do any of you have examples of this existing?  I know there are a few people online who appear to have this dynamic, but is this not just a public relations exercise—is it really true?

The sexist response is that men are wired to dominate and women are wired to submit.  My own interpretation of the different genetic dispositions we have is not about dominance and submission, but a “propensity towards” or an “affinity for” certain styles and behaviour.  This might be a propensity to nurture or a tendency to have less impulse control.  The list is actually endless, and in truth, these affinities or attributes can be used to dominate or submit.  It is the social conditioning that comes with the way we are taught to live in society that reinterprets these attributes as “active” or “passive”, “dominant” or “submissive”.  And they are seen through a lens of patriarchal power structures, which is not at all healthy, not just within the context of D/s.

As an aside, while we might concentrate on equal pay for equal work and other appropriate goals as feminists, shouldn’t a goal of feminism be to redefine feminine and masculine “attributes” within the context of “active” and “passive” or dominant and submissive? This can be said of everything from nurturing to violence, from aggression to tenderness, from emotional to stoic…we all possess these traits to varying degrees–they are therefore, categorically not male or female.

Taking the nurture example above and applying it to my own experiences in D/s, it is precisely the nurturing energy that the Domme I visit wields with me to unleash my submission.  It is true power coming from her towards me.  Every dynamic is different, and the source of a Domme’s power will be different based on who she is with, but here is a perfect example of a “feminine” or “female” attribute that in society is deemed submissive, when in reality is all powerful within the context of D/s.  We are “killing off” potential Dommes, nipping any potential interest in this lifestyle in the bud, with the way that we position the sexes in society, the way that we define “feminine” and “masculine”, with the way we raise our children, with our desire to define acceptable roles and behaviours.

These thoughts were lurking at the back of my mind as I dated, and I can imagine they might have been lurking at the back of the mind of anyone who has wished to experience D/s from either side of the slash and has wished in particular to do it as part of a lifestyle.  In the Pro-Domme world, it is easier and safer to experience these things.  And although I do not have the experience to say, and do not make a value judgement, the feelings are equally real in play with a Pro as they are in the lifestyle.  The only difference is that when the session is over, life reverts to normal, whereas in lifestyle D/s, D/s is the normal.

If you are someone who has lived this, thought about this, experienced this from either side of the slash, I would love to hear your comments.  In particular, I am interested in love within the context of D/s and how it exists, how it is cultivated, and what is different about it.

As I was dating, the few times I was in a relationship that had the potential to turn firmly D/s, when the door was really and truly open, I turned away.  I turned away out of cowardice and fear.  No matter how badly I wanted it, I was afraid that by submitting I would lose the person that I was with.  And in particular, I was afraid that I would lose her respect.  But to love and live is to dare.  And in this instance, I failed.  I let myself down, because we can only soar in life when we unfurl our wings and take chances.  This was the biggest chance of all, and I bottled it each time.

I am sure that there are many people out there who had more courage than me, and when taking the steps towards a fully actualised lifestyle D/s relationship, were big enough and strong enough to let go.  I am specifically referring to submissive males with dominant females, but there is no reason that this same dynamic exists in any combination.  I also understand, without excusing myself, why I was so afraid.  It no longer matters.

I love my S.O., I am beginning to love the Domme I see, and my life is deeply fulfilling.  But I still wonder about the existence of true lifestyle D/s, and how love works in those confines, and in particular, how respect exists within the bounds of D/s.

Nobody likes “easy” in a partner.  How can you still love someone if they always say “yes Mistress”?  If they always obey?  I hate disobedience in myself.  Part of my love of submission is obedience.  Doing things I don’t like because I was told to amplifies feelings of submission.  But do these very things not beget loss of respect?  How does a Domme get energized by that?  How does a Domme find the opposite, and find that her esteem for her sub actually increases because of his obedience?  Does this exist?

Someone please show me how we maintain the beauty and mystery of the “other” in a relationship where one of the two parties has relinquished control and free will to the other.  Is it even possible?

6 thoughts

  1. We may have already discussed this, but I’d just like to add this comment for the sake of anyone reading.

    I’m a lifestyle domme with a 24/7 TPE dynamic. Yes, it can be real and yes, it very much can be a loving and sustainable relationship.

    Active / passive and dominant / submissive really aren’t synonymous. A passive sub not be a very good sub at all – it takes two people to make a dynamic work.

    But even that asides, I’ve yet to meet a male submissive pursuing the lifestyle who I’d describe as a weak or passive person. Mostly, I think, because pursuing D/s as a lifestyle particularly as a male sub, takes courage and a strong sense of your own identity.

    Moreover, D/s is a reactionary thing. Dominance isn’t something that springs out of you and imposes itself on someone else. It is a quality which is brought out, just as submission is. Submission is therefore a lot more complex than blind obedience – it’s one half of a connection.

    I’d disagree that the only difference between a session with a pro and a lifestyle dynamic is when things stop and start. Pros, by definition, provide a service.

    Although both parties may experience space, most pro / client dynamics are quite a ways from that intense, personal connection required for 24/7 TPE. The level of trust and intimacy required to even consider that level of power exchange takes a lot of time and effort to build up.

    Also, just as an aside –

    The reason you won’t see a lot of lifestyle dommes on Twitter is not because they don’t exist, but because they have no reason to advertise. (Although there are quite a few fab lifestyle domme accountson there).

    However, pop along to munches, femdom servers, and other places which focus on just socialising and hanging out, and you’ll find plenty of lifestyle dommes.

    My own blog asides, there are also lots of blogs penned by lifestyle dommes. I’m not quite sure why you call these rare – I’d highly recommend O Miss Pearl. She also has a variety of erotica posted.

    Rosa x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Rosa, so glad to see you here. I love to hear your voice. You always speak with authority and freshness, and I truly value the many things you have taught me. Especially in my very first days and weeks of venturing into this world.

      It is funny you mention O Miss Pearl as I discovered her a few days ago and read a ton of her blog yesterday. I also have corresponded with Miss Rika, another lifestyle Domme who has graciously taught me some things about love within the.context of D/s.

      I am finding that the best part of this journey is the encouraging and sharing voices from both sides of the slash. And though you are not my Domme, I respect you for your teaching and guidance, and greatly appreciate your own blog, your thoughtful posts, being a pen pal, and being here today.

      Most humbly and respectfully yours.

      Like

      1. Discord hosts quite a few. There are links in various places on Reddit. I’m most active in Femdom Forum, although whether they’re accepting new members varies.

        Like

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