My journey into D/s has led to many other discoveries along the way. Diagnosed and medicated as a child with ADD, I never really accepted the diagnosis. My parents fought over the diagnosis too. My father refused to acknowledge it, thinking of it as a “disease” or a “weakness”, and ended up throwing out my meds and administering “discipline” instead. My mother sought to medicate so as not to deal with the underlying causes. Thank goodness they didn’t live together anymore or it would have been even more confusing.
For years I denied that I ever had ADD, even when one of my own children was diagnosed with it. But deep down, I have always known it is there. So many of the traits run deep. It was through D/s that I have been able to recognise it. In conversation with a Domme (not mine) about the intensity of emotion that submission produced in me, the topic turned to ADD. I was trying to understand why D/s makes me so emotional. Why, at the smallest trigger in a power exchange I can be overcome with emotion and begin to cry.
But even in my vanilla life, my emotions were very close to the surface…it takes very little for me to cry, and a lot of self-control and avoidance of difficult topics for me to keep my emotions in check. Anything truly sad, especially family stuff, can quickly overwhelm.
I recounted to her that although I have done a lot of public speaking, I often get choked up at the mic. That talking about anything emotional very quickly goes raw—and it can be the most mundane things, like why I like so-and-so, or something really great that so-and-so did. In other words, happy and respectful emotions are just as likely, if not more likely, to trigger it than sad ones. It just bubbles up. And when it does, it is very hard to stop it.
This Domme who was helping me to understand my feelings in D/s asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with ADD. It turns out to be something she knew a lot about. And as I looked to make a connection with a Domme who could guide me in D/s, it was this one thing that mattered most to me. When I first met the woman who I believe is becoming my Domme, the first thing I asked her is, “will it be okay if I cry?” because I knew that it would come.
“Yes,” she reassured me. And even though the first time we met all we did was have a chat about life to get to know each other, I was on the verge of tears at one point, and I felt her presence emotionally, in a way that made me feel safe. And that is why I asked if it would be okay if we were to see each other again.
She gave me the name of a serious book to read on ADD, which I promptly bought. Who would ever suggest that D/s isn’t therapeutic, and that I haven’t met two very wonderful people who are taking me on a journey of exploration and discovery? I feel very lucky. God bless powerful women. God bless Dommes. God bless SWers.