I know that every submissive looks for something different from their Domme. But there is one thing that we all share. Rules and rituals.
Rules and rituals can become triggers in themselves, as they are for me. Simply obeying, no matter how mundane the request, is often enough to put me into what we call sub-space. In my case, it is often the most mundane things that get me there fastest and most easily.
But rules and rituals also exist as ways to demonstrate respect. And respect is the fundamental pillar on which a D/s relationship is built.
Take for example the title ‘Mistress’. This is one I struggle with. Why? Because ‘yes Mistress’ when seen on TV or in pop culture in programmes that deal with BDSM often seems silly. Also, ‘mistress’ connotes ‘lover’, not ‘owner’ or ‘boss’.
The other day I asked a Domme I was meeting for the first time what she would like to be called. “You will call me Mistress,” she said, knowing already how I felt about the word. And it was like my vision had static interference for a split second. I felt rebellion in my sinful heart! I sat there and thought about the command, and how it felt. I answered, “yes Mistress,” immediately, but then kept thinking about it as we ate and talked. Later in the conversation I said ‘yes Ma’am’ in answer to a question she posed. She stopped me, and ever so gently told me that in the future I would be punished for calling her ma’am and explained why ma’am was appropriate for other women I might meet, but for her, there was only ‘Mistress’.
“I understand Mistress. Thank you for correcting me.”
And I realised something. Overcoming my internal resistance to this word is part of submission. Letting go of the noise. And I realised that this process, even in this small way, is part of the healing power of D/s. I should not care about what the word ‘Mistress’ sounds like or means. She has told me that her title is ‘Mistress’, and that to use it is a mark of respect. To not use it is a mark of disrespect, a feature that has no place in a D/s relationship. Nothing else matters.
She told me that some of her subs call her “Mommy”. I will have to ask her about “Goddess”. But conquering my reflexive resistance to using the word ‘Mistress’ is now a personal goal, and one which will help me respond to her lead.
For the first time in my life, I was in the presence of someone who was beginning to strip superfluous parts of me away. And it is the weirdest thing; I trembled the entire time I was with her. Can you imagine? It reminded of a pet doe that a friend of mine had. The doe would approach for food and companionship, but I will never forget how much it trembled as we caressed it. I have no problem standing up in front of an airplane hangar full of people and making a speech but sitting next to this woman over lunch and a vanilla conversation, I shivered uncontrollably for two hours. I know how the doe felt.