I find myself turning ever more often to the thought of finally starting to transition. What stops me is how it might affect the people around me.
Would I lose my S.O.? I certainly hope not.
I’d like to think that we could still grow old together, regardless, but I don’t know. I do know that she expects and wants that of me now.
What about my children? Will they be embarrassed. Ashamed of me? Will they be teased by their friends? They could still call me their father. After all, that is what I am, regardless of my body.
For the rest it hardly matters. I care what my parents and siblings think. I care what my friends think, but if any of them were not supportive, it would be only a temporary pain to let them go. It isn’t as if I would be asking anything of them other than acceptance.
I have lived with a male body for long enough. My biological role has been accomplished. But enough is enough.
I have hated being male from the beginning of memory. I cannot change that I will never have been born female. I cannot change that to transition properly you have to start before puberty. Perhaps even transitioned I won’t feel completely female. I can’t expect to look right—so have no idea what that will feel like when I see myself in the mirror. Modern medicine and $ can only go so far to erase the effects of being bathed in testosterone.
The thing is that as much as I desire to be a woman, I am a misandrist. A man hater. I do not like the concept of masculinity, I do not like men, their company, their thought patterns, and I wish to erase this part of myself. I believe that the mere concept of masculinity is toxic. So, I am wishing to be a lesbian, because I have only ever loved women.
Some trans people experience a shift in the pattern of sexual attraction. I don’t know what I would do if that were to happen to me. The thought makes my skin crawl.
We don’t know when we will die. If I am fortunate to live a long life, I may get lucky enough to die as a woman, at least in my mind.